Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Home 6/20/2012

Well, I finally found a good enough excuse to get myself off this island for a few days. Ever since going full time as Jennifer, I have come to totally hate traveling. Transsexualism and airports have generally never proven to be a match made in heaven. I hate being out of my comfort and safety zone. As clued into the world as I may be, I have not left the eastern part of Newfoundland for almost a year.

Well, after a rather last-minute and secret trip to New Brunswick for two days, I found myself not wanting to come back here. Seems I have only been fooling myself into thinking I am happy here. As much as I love Newfoundland and wish it felt like home, truth of the matter is that it's not home, it doesn't feel like home, and it will never be home.  the people, their politics, their culture, their values...  none of them are congruent with me.

Home is Nova Scotia. It is where I was born, an where I was removed in 1983 with no real chance to prepare to leave or say good bye. 29 years later, I can only look back and wonder what life would have been like had I never left.  I know it ain't the same as it was 29 years ago, but it's home, and it is time for me to go home. 24 years in Ontario were 24 years of confusion. 5 years in Newfoundland has been an amazing adventure, but it feels like a business trip. my apartment feels like a hotel. and the people around me feel like locals who are constantly staring at a tourist - a stranger.  I don't feel welcome here, I don't feel accepted here. I have been unable to find suitable employment here; I have not found true love here, and I feel as though I have no true friends here.  A stranger in a strange land.

As much as I didn't want to have to admit this to myself, I want to go home - and now it's time to take steps to make that a reality.

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