Monday, August 29, 2011

August 28, 2011 - Did Not Start

well, it was a tough day as i offiically no-showed at the Quebec Marathon this morning.  About 4 weeks ago, i made the official decision to cancel my plans to attend this race, due to a sore knee and due to extremelylow levels of health and fitness. at the very least, i can feel proud that i know i made the right decision, and i can literally continue my recovery process from what has been an extremely physically and emotionally-draining summer.  Jenn

Friday, August 19, 2011

August 19, 2011 the week from hell

gee, i am glad that's over. so many things went wrong.. i don't even want to blog about most of the issues because they are too upsetting (not to mention, too personal).

a positive highlight was a lovely summery day on thursday - and after work, i took a stroll to kent's pond and had my first august pond swim. hard to believe the weather was so crappy for most of the month. it was fun swimming with the ducks! hoping there will be a few more nice swimable days before it starts snowing again..

oh well, hoping for a good weekend and a better week ahead.


Saturday, August 13, 2011

August 12, 2011 - the Teddy Bear Man!

Nothing like a visit to the 34th annual Terry Rielly teddy bears' picnic in St. John's to put you in a good mood. Terry is a local institution for this event that attracts several hundred people.  Terry is a huge advocate for LGBT rights and has taken many steps to help with trans-visibility in society, including n official part of his teddy bear picnic staff - where last year, i tended to 'sick teddys' at the 'teddy bear hospital'. Terry is a singer/songwriter/piano and guitar player, who has traveled around the world to play music. He debuted a new song, that themed on acceptance, earlier this summer at our Pride parade.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

August 11, 2011 - brief update

well, i am pleased to report that i had a rather good day. it has been a very rough week for me as i battle with depression, as well as an indefinite separation from my two closest friends.  it has actually been a good break for me as i have had a chance to reflect on lots of things. i also checked in with my all-star psychologist for a long session, which helped me help myself make some decisions and set some priorities, and fire myself up. At the same time, i helped myself come to peace with where i am at, and specifically, to accept that i needed certain things to happen the way they did, and that it is ok to be imperfect, and ok to take a break to recover from what has been a very stressful, busy, productive, and successful couple of months. i've got lots of good things happening in  my life these days, and i am not going to dwell too much more on the negatives.  i am ready to move forward with some new projects, develop relationships with new people, and get back to basics with my health and fitness.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

August 9, 2011 - just when you thought you'd seen it all...

ok, it has been well documented that i have had a rough week. well, here's your chance to pile on folks. now my best friend since feb 2009 wants to cut ties with me, without really having a clear cut explanation. this comes as quite a shock and disappointment.. to lose this friendship would hurt more than any other loss i have suffered in my entire life...... i know she is going to read this, so i hope you will think seriously and carefully about this.. we have shared so much together since we first met, way back on oct 31, 2008. i love you more than anyone or anything else in the entire world. can we please try to talk this out and resolve whatever it is that is upsetting you??

moving on, the highlight of the day was a visit to the dentist (a sign that it probably wasn't a very good day).. which started and ended with a very sad run.. i happen to live 6k from the dentist office, so there was a perfect opportunity to get in a rare run and test out the knee..  well, not surprisingly, the run was brutal. i am so out of game shape as far as running is concerned. it is really pathetic. i actually started crying at the 4k mark because i was so upset and disgusted.... (then amazingly enough, the run got better). the run home started out good but whimpered into a walk after a net of 10.5k. oh well, it's 10.5 more k than i ran yesterday, so it's at least something worth writing about...

can't remember if i have officially announced this on the blog or not, but i have decided to no-show at the quebec marathon on aug 27. there's just no way i am going to be ready to run a marathon 3 weeks from now, let alone, attempt a BQ. so rather than waste more money and knee strength, i am going to pull the plug and focus on a late september marathon - my 5th consecutive newfoundland marathon - which will simply be a slow gentle fun run.. the return to Boston will have to wait at least another year... oh well...

anyway, tomorrow is shaping up to have some stressors, but hopefully some positives will come out of it.


Monday, August 8, 2011

August 7, 2011 - ups and downs (and more downs)

yikes, it seems like i am only logging in here once a week now.  guess i need to remind myself how much i like to toot my own horn and publish my thoughts for the world to see!
it has truly been an amazing year for me thus far. so many amazing accomplishments. it has been a long 4 year transition journey, and it is amazing to finally start seeing myself as the person i have always wanted and needed to be.  i can finally look in the mirror and/or look at my resume of advocacy work, and feel proud of what i see.

i wrote a while back about the pain of heartbreak and rejection - something i suspect almost everyone can related to.  well, i had to go thru this, yet again, this weekend. yet another name added to the list of people who don't find me romantically or sexually attractive. while in the past, i could understand why people might not want to be romantically involved with me, it really seems to sting even more, now that i finally have some self-confidence.

i guess the real problem here is not that others don't find me attractive (although that certainly can be perceived as a major problem), but that i seem to be frequently giving my heart away to people who don't want it. and furthermore, perhaps i think i am more attractive of a person than i really am. 

while it is common knowledge that i have been known to make narcissistic comments as a form of sarcastic humour, i'd like to think of myself as a very down-to-earth and humble person.... and gaining a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem shouldn't affect this.

while it wouldn't be true to say that nobody finds me attractive or that no romantic or sexual opportunities have come across my plate since transitioning, it frightens me to think that not only do i take every rejection personally, but i take it as a great shock.  it's as if i expect everyone to love me and every one to jump at the opportunity to be with me - either as a friend or romantically.

oh well, there's nothing more humbling than to face romantic or sexual rejection. to be told that you are not wanted or appreciated in that manner? it's totally crushing to the emotions and the ego. to have to go through this three times in a row? after going thru a major person-improvement transition project? well, it's devistating. i hurt so much last night that i actually intentionally inflicted self-harm - something i hadn't done for years (don't worry - nothing serious - i'm fine, really!). am i proud of that? hell no. do i understand why i did this? somewhat yes. did it make me feel better? interestingly enough, yes. do i feel narcissistic today? not at all. in fact, my sense of self-worth and self-esteem is about as low as it can get. i barely managed to get out of bed all weekend. this latest rejection totally shattered me. i literally had no interest in participating in life all weekend.

well, i don't know where to go from here. rejection sucks and i don't want my heart to hurt ever again. yet i won't find true love and happiness unless i risk it yet again. and ultimately, although i know that romance can't be all there is to life, and that it should only be considered icing on the cake, my life seems pretty darn empty without love.... and after 37 years of pre-op life, to finally be the person i know i was meant to be, and to finally have the self-confidence and self-esteem needed to carry on a relationship, it seems like my life is a total waste. 

i guess the monumental task ahead: i need to find a way to be happy without love in my life. i can't worry about things i can't control. i know that. but nothing else seems to work. i keep running out of things to try. you'd think that all my accomplishments in the past few years would be enough to make and keep me happy, but all those things don't seem to matter.

oh well, tomorrow is another day!