well, it was a very miserable run to the doctor this morning. 11k in a brutally slow 84 minutes. i expected to run this in 65-70 minutes, so i was actually late for my appt. not good. and i threw in the towel after 4 more miserable k and called a cab to get myself to work.
After talking with the doc, i have reached a decision that i need to remove stressors from my life.. so there are going to be many changes to my life in the near future.
unfortunately, this includes less active involvement in the local LGBT community as an advocate/spokesperson. the other big change, will be to take a long indefinite break from competitive road running. running has gone from being fun to being a chore, and it's something i have grown to totally hate in recent months.
so i am somewhat sad, yet very relieved to report that after Big Sur, there will be absolutely no racing plans on my plate. i am going into 'competitive retirement.' the slate will be clean and there will be absolutely no pressure to perform or to prepare for any upcoming races. part of me will definitely miss it, but ultimately, it's time for a break. so sadly, the NLAA road racing season will be totally out of scope for me. i need my sleep and weekend sleep-ins are more important than ever, now that i find myself completely exhausted come friday afternoons.. so those 8 am sunday races will have to be off the table for now too, which is sad, as i will miss the community, and i will miss being there for Kim, who i am extremely proud of for all her hard work and dedication to the sport. perhaps i will at least make the effort to run along side of her at the Tely 10 this year, and perhaps a few others, but there will definitely be no serious NLAA road races for me this year. there's just no reason for me to run them. going out and setting new official personal worsts at the 5, 8, and 10k distances just won't add value to my life. the only 5k runs i will have will be getting myself to and from work every day! and i think it's best that it stays that way.
and sadly, i think it's safe to say that Big Sur will be the last marathon of the year, and more than likely, the last marathon of my entire life. marathons take an incredible amount of training and prep work, and it's just not physically in me anymore. although my training run last friday went as planned, there's just nothing fun about running for 5 hours. so i am not officially 'retiring' but i can guarantee that i will never attempt another marathon unless i am 99% certain that i can run it in BQ time. Boston has always been the key motivator for why i kept running marathons, and if i can't run at BQ pace, then i have no reason to keep running them. i get no satisfaction out of simply 'finishing' a marathon.
preparing for marathons has become a negative emotional and physical stressor in life. the training that is required to run them is intense and it's just not something i can handle anymore. life is all about balancing priorities, and i need to save my emotional energy and physical strength for other more important things, like making it to work in good health each and every day, and being able to enjoy a weekend jog to the pond without having knee pain..
i also miss my swimming and although i don't seem to have what it takes to swim during the week anymore, i am looking forward to getting back in the pool on weekends instead of 'having to' go for my long runs..
i am also sad to report that my plans to create and launch a corporate entity that will undertake advocacy work for transsexual women in Newfoundland, has also been put on indefinite hold. as much as i want to do this, both for myself and the community, there are only so many hours in a day, and sadly, re-entering the workforce has eaten up most of my time and all of my energy. although my current job is far from my dream job, it is a means to an end and it has to be my #1 priority right now.
i guess the good news is that i will continue to maintain this website and will continue to post on a daily basis, so at the very least, i hope its existance will add value to some people!