Thursday, April 5, 2012

April 5, 2012 - depressing day

i generally try not to blog when i am in a bad mood, but i'm thinking that making a list of all the things upsetting me might help me feel better about being upset. heck, we all have frustrations in life, and when they all pile up, it's only human to feel hopeless and helpless at times.

first trip to physio in about 4 weeks. it's been a hot and cold month, as i have had some nice short runs, but also re-stressed the ligament twice due to akward stair climbing, of all things.  this ligament can now be considered chronically hurt.  if there was ever any doubt that i would stay retired from marathon running this spring, this seals the deal.

and this leads into the next batch of upsetting considerations.  for the second year in a row, i will not be in Massachusetts on Patriots' Day. there will be no Boston Marathon for me. and i know it will hurt just as much as it did last year. and heck, no matter what, it will hurt every year for the rest of my life. 

it's also starting to really sink in that for the first time since taking up the sport, i will not be in Mississauga this May - breaking the streak of 5 consecutive Mississauga Marathons.  there will also not be a third consecutive Fredericton Marathon, or a 4th consecutive Halifax Marathon. 

While i accept and wear the transsexual badge and label with pride, i am first and foremost, a marathon runner. and to not be doing this anymore, is really hurting me. i didn't choose to be transsexual, but i most certainly did choose to be a marathon runner, and to have that taken away from me, by a ligament that was not directly hurt from running, is ironic and sad.

another sadness is the distant memory of what used to be known as my annual April trip to Amelia Island and Pensacola Beach Florida.  it has now been 5 years since i saw either of those places, and i am really missing them right now.. (perhaps the Newfoundland April snow storm is part of it). there won't be any trips anywhere for me this spring, nor summer. no money in the budget for any traveling.

it's also been a stressful week as i have been feeling the impact of going on a major television show to talk about Jenna Talackova. While there has been lots of support, there has also been negativity in the form of hateful comments on my vlog (which have since been removed).  Seems the fight for equality and acceptance is still far from over.

i think it is also sinking in that i am no longer a part of several organizations that were a very high priority to me just a short time ago.  it's especially tough to sit back and watch St. John's Pride appear to regress back to the sad state it was in before i got involved.  It also looks like my potential involvement with Corner Brook Pride will not materialize, and that city is in jeopardy of not having a Pride week at all.

Another interesting challenge has been my renewed interest in actually wanting to engage in romance. 2011 was a tough year, as i found myself rejected and heartbroken by several people.  Now, just as it seems i have finally gotten over those situations, i find myself developing feelings for someone i can't have. at 38.3 years of age, i am no closer to finding my long lost soulmate than i have ever been.

as much as i love my pets, having biological children with a loving partner is something i have always wanted. next year, i will need to make a tough decision as to whether or not i should fork out more money that i don't have, to keep my 9 bottles of sperm safely stored in a freezer in Toronto, or terminate the storage contract and have the 'assets' disposed of.  the older i get, the less likely it seems i will ever be ready to have children. and finding someone to share this with, seems less and less likely.  i've always said that i would not have children late in life, but now it seems to be the only option left on the table. 

seems one by one, i am starting to cross things off my life's to-do list.  saying good bye to life long dreams and realizing that they will never materialize, is extremely tough. sure, i have experienced many amazing things that i never could have imagined, and those experiences are certainly great, don't get me wrong... but they can't replace certain things i have always wanted in life.

it is tough to stay motivated when it seems that everything in life has either been accomplished, or never will be accomplished. it takes away from the passion and drive to live.

going thru the motions every day - attending a job i hate, for only half the money i know i am capable of earning, is not something i look forward to doing for the rest of my life.

I am also approaching the 5 year mark of my time in Newfoundland, and unfortunately, my physical health is preventing me from doing the things that keep me here. i can't run to the beach any more. i rarely can even get myself over to the pond. i have no close friends here - heck, i have no friends. just aquaintances.  i spent christmas alone here this past winter, and now i am about to spend easter alone..
there's really no reason for me to be here anymore.  no career, no family, no future..but at the same time, i can't necessarily find a reason to leave and go anywhere else. 

oh well, i always say that i like challenges. i guess the real challenge now is to find that next challenge.. find a reason to be. maybe i just pack my bags and pick somewhere new and start from scratch? who knows? maybe i need to just go to a big city where diversity is more common and give it a go. who knows? i just don't want to do something that will make me feel like a failure.  it just seems that if i were to leave Newfoundland now, it would feel as though i am leaving tons of unfinished business.  Then again, i suppose i should feel extremely proud for all i have done. this has got to be one of the toughest provinces to transition in, especially transitioning from male to female. i knew it would be tough, but i knew i could survive. i just thought i could make it further in life than i have here.

oh well, i suppose the rest of my life starts now. it's time for a clean sheet of paper.time for a complete CTRL-ALT-DELETE to my life.. that's the attitude i am now going to take....  i can feel proud that i have always taken the attitude that you can't realize success unless you are not afraid of failure.. 

i may not know where i want to go next, but i know where i've been, and hopefully that will make me stronger and wiser.

Until next time...



Prudence MacLeod said...

Wow, looks like you had a tough day, girl. As a fellow "come-from-away" I agree that the rock can be a tough place to build a life, but it can be done.
Right now you've got the "end-of-winter-in-Newfoundland-blues." I recognize the symptoms; been there too many times. Take a deep breath and relax, it is almost over.
Your work here has done a lot to help others realize they are not alone, but there is still a long way to go before this province is fully up to speed on diversity and full human rights. Don't quit yet, you're just getting started.

Hope life picks up for you soon.

Charis Maloy said...

Sweetie, I know you don't know me and until moments ago, I didn't know you. I have recently been going through similar struggles albeit, brought on by different antagonists. I took the advice of my dear friend Pru and asked a better quality question. I was terribly unhappy in my job, but I was stuck there. So my question became, "How do I get unstuck?"

You are a runner. Not a used to be runner. You are a runner. When you stumble at the foot of the hill, you don't stop the race, you grit your teeth and get to the top. Your legs may not allow you to run marathons, but I bet if you wrap it well, you can still enjoy your runs on the beach. You also have a great deal to teach. There may even be a more enjoyable and profitable career for you as a coach. This is not the time for a complete reboot. It does sound to me like you need to run a system defrag and drop this negativity off a cliff. You still have an incredible amount to offer in the running world and you never know what other areas you may discover.

Just remember, you never lose a race unles you stop running. Don't stop in the race of life, those muscles are always in development.

Jennifer McCreath said...

thanks to you both for sharing your thoughts. it can be easy to get down when things pile up and stay piled on for several days, weeks, and years... a better day today for me - the longest run of the year, with no problems from the tendon - and a visit with the ducks!