August 7, 2011 - ups and downs (and more downs)

yikes, it seems like i am only logging in here once a week now.  guess i need to remind myself how much i like to toot my own horn and publish my thoughts for the world to see!
it has truly been an amazing year for me thus far. so many amazing accomplishments. it has been a long 4 year transition journey, and it is amazing to finally start seeing myself as the person i have always wanted and needed to be.  i can finally look in the mirror and/or look at my resume of advocacy work, and feel proud of what i see.

i wrote a while back about the pain of heartbreak and rejection - something i suspect almost everyone can related to.  well, i had to go thru this, yet again, this weekend. yet another name added to the list of people who don't find me romantically or sexually attractive. while in the past, i could understand why people might not want to be romantically involved with me, it really seems to sting even more, now that i finally have some self-confidence.

i guess the real problem here is not that others don't find me attractive (although that certainly can be perceived as a major problem), but that i seem to be frequently giving my heart away to people who don't want it. and furthermore, perhaps i think i am more attractive of a person than i really am. 

while it is common knowledge that i have been known to make narcissistic comments as a form of sarcastic humour, i'd like to think of myself as a very down-to-earth and humble person.... and gaining a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem shouldn't affect this.

while it wouldn't be true to say that nobody finds me attractive or that no romantic or sexual opportunities have come across my plate since transitioning, it frightens me to think that not only do i take every rejection personally, but i take it as a great shock.  it's as if i expect everyone to love me and every one to jump at the opportunity to be with me - either as a friend or romantically.

oh well, there's nothing more humbling than to face romantic or sexual rejection. to be told that you are not wanted or appreciated in that manner? it's totally crushing to the emotions and the ego. to have to go through this three times in a row? after going thru a major person-improvement transition project? well, it's devistating. i hurt so much last night that i actually intentionally inflicted self-harm - something i hadn't done for years (don't worry - nothing serious - i'm fine, really!). am i proud of that? hell no. do i understand why i did this? somewhat yes. did it make me feel better? interestingly enough, yes. do i feel narcissistic today? not at all. in fact, my sense of self-worth and self-esteem is about as low as it can get. i barely managed to get out of bed all weekend. this latest rejection totally shattered me. i literally had no interest in participating in life all weekend.

well, i don't know where to go from here. rejection sucks and i don't want my heart to hurt ever again. yet i won't find true love and happiness unless i risk it yet again. and ultimately, although i know that romance can't be all there is to life, and that it should only be considered icing on the cake, my life seems pretty darn empty without love.... and after 37 years of pre-op life, to finally be the person i know i was meant to be, and to finally have the self-confidence and self-esteem needed to carry on a relationship, it seems like my life is a total waste. 

i guess the monumental task ahead: i need to find a way to be happy without love in my life. i can't worry about things i can't control. i know that. but nothing else seems to work. i keep running out of things to try. you'd think that all my accomplishments in the past few years would be enough to make and keep me happy, but all those things don't seem to matter.

oh well, tomorrow is another day!

Jenn