Oh my, it is amazing how debilitating emotional stress and depression can be. What makes it brutal is that you never know when it will hit, and when it does, you have no control over it. Just when things seem to be going great, boom, it hits, and hits hard. The more things change, the more they stay the same, and the tougher they seem to get to deal with. Other than my dismal employment situation, life is going great. i'm post op, i'm legally female. i'm finally at the stage where my body has adjusted to the hormonal changes, and i am able to resume running and i am losing weight... i have a great circle of friends here at home in Newfoundland, and i am developing a very strong bond with transwomen in other parts of eastern canada. i am making strong meaningful leadership contributions to a variety of non-profit ventures, including st. john's pride, CPATH, and PFLAG. I am about to take on a major role in helping the provincial NDP party here. summer is approaching and i live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world....
but the one thing that hasn't changed, is my ability to develop strong intense romantic feelings for people that i can't seem to have. the year started out with my amazing trip to Montreal for surgery. and while i was there, ireally fell hard for my roommate. 5 days later, she's flying home to a southern part of the USA. I go visit her a few months later, but that only seems to make the pain worse. she doesn't have any interest in dating me, or any transwomen for that matter.. plus, the long distance thing wouldn't appeal to either of us.
so on comes the next one... a transwoman i had been casually aquiainted with for almost a year and never thought too much of it. well, we finally started chatting on phone and we really seemed to click. a second phone call and a third phone call... each one lasting over 4 hours. then we had as many as 4 trips planned to meet each other and spend time together, even before we met. well, the first visit was awesome. i knew that these feelings i had were real. but unfortunately, the feelings were not returned, not necessarily because i wasn't considered a good catch, but because she's at a stage in her transition where she's just not comfortable with the idea of romance with anyone. 2 visits later, we have really hit it off a friends and as business partners of sorts.. and this is all great, don't get me wrong! but it is very painful and very bittersweet. i know many people who can't stand to be around, let alone be best friends, with someone they can't have more from; but i'd like to think that i have the respect and dignity to not be like that. i genuinely love the friendship and the work, and will never give that up, but it doesn't change the fact that it really f*ckin' hurts.
oh well, if there's one lesson in here, i've come to realize that i'd love to be with another transwomen.. that goes for sexually, romantically, and anything else you can add into the relationship equation. spending time with the above-mentioned friends, and several other transwomen friends, have made me realize that. this has also made me realize my true pansexuality. i often thought i was only attracted to GGs (aka women born female), but that's clearly not the case. i love transpeople - i find transwomen (pre-op, post-op, part-op, or even non-op) to be very attractive packages. i've even caught myself noticing a few effeminsate men in ways i've never looked at them before. so if there is a silver lining in this dark cloud, there should be more potentialy suitable candidates than even i realized, that are out there in this world. if i can try to remain a happy, positive, motivated person, then i can only hope that it is a matter of time before my long-lost life partner lands in front of me takes me off my feet! sometimes i wonder if this will ever happen, and i get really worried..
well, i'm gonna sendf this off now. i just wanted to send out a gentle reminder that we have feelings too!
Jenn
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