well, i am pleased to report that i had a rather good day. it has been a very rough week for me as i battle with depression, as well as an indefinite separation from my two closest friends. it has actually been a good break for me as i have had a chance to reflect on lots of things. i also checked in with my all-star psychologist for a long session, which helped me help myself make some decisions and set some priorities, and fire myself up. At the same time, i helped myself come to peace with where i am at, and specifically, to accept that i needed certain things to happen the way they did, and that it is ok to be imperfect, and ok to take a break to recover from what has been a very stressful, busy, productive, and successful couple of months. i've got lots of good things happening in my life these days, and i am not going to dwell too much more on the negatives. i am ready to move forward with some new projects, develop relationships with new people, and get back to basics with my health and fitness.
Jenn
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
August 9, 2011 - just when you thought you'd seen it all...
ok, it has been well documented that i have had a rough week. well, here's your chance to pile on folks. now my best friend since feb 2009 wants to cut ties with me, without really having a clear cut explanation. this comes as quite a shock and disappointment.. to lose this friendship would hurt more than any other loss i have suffered in my entire life...... i know she is going to read this, so i hope you will think seriously and carefully about this.. we have shared so much together since we first met, way back on oct 31, 2008. i love you more than anyone or anything else in the entire world. can we please try to talk this out and resolve whatever it is that is upsetting you??
moving on, the highlight of the day was a visit to the dentist (a sign that it probably wasn't a very good day).. which started and ended with a very sad run.. i happen to live 6k from the dentist office, so there was a perfect opportunity to get in a rare run and test out the knee.. well, not surprisingly, the run was brutal. i am so out of game shape as far as running is concerned. it is really pathetic. i actually started crying at the 4k mark because i was so upset and disgusted.... (then amazingly enough, the run got better). the run home started out good but whimpered into a walk after a net of 10.5k. oh well, it's 10.5 more k than i ran yesterday, so it's at least something worth writing about...
can't remember if i have officially announced this on the blog or not, but i have decided to no-show at the quebec marathon on aug 27. there's just no way i am going to be ready to run a marathon 3 weeks from now, let alone, attempt a BQ. so rather than waste more money and knee strength, i am going to pull the plug and focus on a late september marathon - my 5th consecutive newfoundland marathon - which will simply be a slow gentle fun run.. the return to Boston will have to wait at least another year... oh well...
anyway, tomorrow is shaping up to have some stressors, but hopefully some positives will come out of it.
Jenn
moving on, the highlight of the day was a visit to the dentist (a sign that it probably wasn't a very good day).. which started and ended with a very sad run.. i happen to live 6k from the dentist office, so there was a perfect opportunity to get in a rare run and test out the knee.. well, not surprisingly, the run was brutal. i am so out of game shape as far as running is concerned. it is really pathetic. i actually started crying at the 4k mark because i was so upset and disgusted.... (then amazingly enough, the run got better). the run home started out good but whimpered into a walk after a net of 10.5k. oh well, it's 10.5 more k than i ran yesterday, so it's at least something worth writing about...
can't remember if i have officially announced this on the blog or not, but i have decided to no-show at the quebec marathon on aug 27. there's just no way i am going to be ready to run a marathon 3 weeks from now, let alone, attempt a BQ. so rather than waste more money and knee strength, i am going to pull the plug and focus on a late september marathon - my 5th consecutive newfoundland marathon - which will simply be a slow gentle fun run.. the return to Boston will have to wait at least another year... oh well...
anyway, tomorrow is shaping up to have some stressors, but hopefully some positives will come out of it.
Jenn
Monday, August 8, 2011
August 7, 2011 - ups and downs (and more downs)
yikes, it seems like i am only logging in here once a week now. guess i need to remind myself how much i like to toot my own horn and publish my thoughts for the world to see!
it has truly been an amazing year for me thus far. so many amazing accomplishments. it has been a long 4 year transition journey, and it is amazing to finally start seeing myself as the person i have always wanted and needed to be. i can finally look in the mirror and/or look at my resume of advocacy work, and feel proud of what i see.
i wrote a while back about the pain of heartbreak and rejection - something i suspect almost everyone can related to. well, i had to go thru this, yet again, this weekend. yet another name added to the list of people who don't find me romantically or sexually attractive. while in the past, i could understand why people might not want to be romantically involved with me, it really seems to sting even more, now that i finally have some self-confidence.
i guess the real problem here is not that others don't find me attractive (although that certainly can be perceived as a major problem), but that i seem to be frequently giving my heart away to people who don't want it. and furthermore, perhaps i think i am more attractive of a person than i really am.
while it is common knowledge that i have been known to make narcissistic comments as a form of sarcastic humour, i'd like to think of myself as a very down-to-earth and humble person.... and gaining a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem shouldn't affect this.
while it wouldn't be true to say that nobody finds me attractive or that no romantic or sexual opportunities have come across my plate since transitioning, it frightens me to think that not only do i take every rejection personally, but i take it as a great shock. it's as if i expect everyone to love me and every one to jump at the opportunity to be with me - either as a friend or romantically.
oh well, there's nothing more humbling than to face romantic or sexual rejection. to be told that you are not wanted or appreciated in that manner? it's totally crushing to the emotions and the ego. to have to go through this three times in a row? after going thru a major person-improvement transition project? well, it's devistating. i hurt so much last night that i actually intentionally inflicted self-harm - something i hadn't done for years (don't worry - nothing serious - i'm fine, really!). am i proud of that? hell no. do i understand why i did this? somewhat yes. did it make me feel better? interestingly enough, yes. do i feel narcissistic today? not at all. in fact, my sense of self-worth and self-esteem is about as low as it can get. i barely managed to get out of bed all weekend. this latest rejection totally shattered me. i literally had no interest in participating in life all weekend.
well, i don't know where to go from here. rejection sucks and i don't want my heart to hurt ever again. yet i won't find true love and happiness unless i risk it yet again. and ultimately, although i know that romance can't be all there is to life, and that it should only be considered icing on the cake, my life seems pretty darn empty without love.... and after 37 years of pre-op life, to finally be the person i know i was meant to be, and to finally have the self-confidence and self-esteem needed to carry on a relationship, it seems like my life is a total waste.
i guess the monumental task ahead: i need to find a way to be happy without love in my life. i can't worry about things i can't control. i know that. but nothing else seems to work. i keep running out of things to try. you'd think that all my accomplishments in the past few years would be enough to make and keep me happy, but all those things don't seem to matter.
oh well, tomorrow is another day!
Jenn
it has truly been an amazing year for me thus far. so many amazing accomplishments. it has been a long 4 year transition journey, and it is amazing to finally start seeing myself as the person i have always wanted and needed to be. i can finally look in the mirror and/or look at my resume of advocacy work, and feel proud of what i see.
i wrote a while back about the pain of heartbreak and rejection - something i suspect almost everyone can related to. well, i had to go thru this, yet again, this weekend. yet another name added to the list of people who don't find me romantically or sexually attractive. while in the past, i could understand why people might not want to be romantically involved with me, it really seems to sting even more, now that i finally have some self-confidence.
i guess the real problem here is not that others don't find me attractive (although that certainly can be perceived as a major problem), but that i seem to be frequently giving my heart away to people who don't want it. and furthermore, perhaps i think i am more attractive of a person than i really am.
while it is common knowledge that i have been known to make narcissistic comments as a form of sarcastic humour, i'd like to think of myself as a very down-to-earth and humble person.... and gaining a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem shouldn't affect this.
while it wouldn't be true to say that nobody finds me attractive or that no romantic or sexual opportunities have come across my plate since transitioning, it frightens me to think that not only do i take every rejection personally, but i take it as a great shock. it's as if i expect everyone to love me and every one to jump at the opportunity to be with me - either as a friend or romantically.
oh well, there's nothing more humbling than to face romantic or sexual rejection. to be told that you are not wanted or appreciated in that manner? it's totally crushing to the emotions and the ego. to have to go through this three times in a row? after going thru a major person-improvement transition project? well, it's devistating. i hurt so much last night that i actually intentionally inflicted self-harm - something i hadn't done for years (don't worry - nothing serious - i'm fine, really!). am i proud of that? hell no. do i understand why i did this? somewhat yes. did it make me feel better? interestingly enough, yes. do i feel narcissistic today? not at all. in fact, my sense of self-worth and self-esteem is about as low as it can get. i barely managed to get out of bed all weekend. this latest rejection totally shattered me. i literally had no interest in participating in life all weekend.
well, i don't know where to go from here. rejection sucks and i don't want my heart to hurt ever again. yet i won't find true love and happiness unless i risk it yet again. and ultimately, although i know that romance can't be all there is to life, and that it should only be considered icing on the cake, my life seems pretty darn empty without love.... and after 37 years of pre-op life, to finally be the person i know i was meant to be, and to finally have the self-confidence and self-esteem needed to carry on a relationship, it seems like my life is a total waste.
i guess the monumental task ahead: i need to find a way to be happy without love in my life. i can't worry about things i can't control. i know that. but nothing else seems to work. i keep running out of things to try. you'd think that all my accomplishments in the past few years would be enough to make and keep me happy, but all those things don't seem to matter.
oh well, tomorrow is another day!
Jenn
Sunday, July 31, 2011
July 19, 2011 - Pride Flag Raised in Small Town Rural Newfoundland!
History was made this month as a special flag raising ceremony occured at the Town Hall building for Logy Bay, Outer Cove, and Middle Cove, Newfoundland, a town of 2000 people. The event was organized by St. John's Pride Inc., a non-profit organization whose mandate, among other things, is to oversee the planning and delivery of a Pride Week in the City of St. John's. A bonfire at Middle Cove Beach has been an annual tradition during Pride Week, so it was decided that a symbolic flag raising event would add value to the perception of acceptance of LGBT community members, in what is generally known as a conservative part of the province. Pride Inc. received nothing but support from Town staff and the Mayor. Several other prominent members of society expressed interest in being a part of it, including Gemma Hickey and Geoff Gallant, who spoke in person, and Premier Kathy Dunderdale, who sent along a special message to be read.
While raising a flag in front of 50 people may seem small, it certainly sends a strong message of visibility. Members of the media were on hand and an awesome article and photo were depicted in the local newspaper, the Telegram, the next day. A video of the entire event is posted here: Video of Flag Raising
While raising a flag in front of 50 people may seem small, it certainly sends a strong message of visibility. Members of the media were on hand and an awesome article and photo were depicted in the local newspaper, the Telegram, the next day. A video of the entire event is posted here: Video of Flag Raising
Jennifer McCreath, Head of Corporate Management for St. John's Pride Inc., poses for a picture with several youth Pride supporters at the Township of Logy Bay / Middle Cove / Outer Cove.
Board of Directors for St. John's Pride Inc., Jennifer McCreath, Sylvia Newhook, and Brandon Jenkins, pose with the Mayor of LB / MC / OC, John Kennedy, and the rainbow flag!
Jennifer poses with Mayor and Deputy Mayor, and two beautiful Newfoundland Dogs!
Mayor John Kennedy prepares to raise the flag with several youth.
July 31, 2011 - St. John's Pride Inc. - Pride Week Report
Well, it was simply an exhausting but amazing week here in St. John's. There was quite a bit of controversy and conflict among the local LGBT community, when steps were taken by myself and others to incorporate an entity known as St. John's Pride Inc., that would take over the role of overseeing the planning, management, and delivery of a Pride Week in this city, but things ended up coming together rather nicely.
The phone was literally ringing off the hook in the weeks leading up to July 18-24, as many different entities wanted to get involved and become a part of the celebration. Public stakeholder consultation sessions were called and attracted more people than any other Pride meeting that i can ever remember in this city. Members of the media who were LGBT were not only anxious to cover the stories, but become a part of the organization, which made media engagement , both before and during Pride Week, much easier. Organizations such as Yuk Yuks Comedy, Provincial Department of Tourism Culture and Recreation, and Americal Apparel, were willing to bend over backward to be involved.
Our week started with a busy slate of events, including a noon hour flag raising, and an evening reception, at city hall. These events were very well attended, and featured more LGBT speakers than ever before. The decision to make the evening reception a 'dry' event, caused a little bit of controversy, but proved to be the right move, as there was no underaged drinking, nor public intoxication, of attendees. The event was also as well-attended as in previous years. This step also proved helpful in getting people out of City Hall on time and over to Chatters Cafe and The Grapevine, where further social events occured.
Tuesday featured another busy schedule. The day started with an afternoon Open House at the Aids Committee of Newfoundland and Labrador, an organization that provides a variety of services, including aids education and awareness, needle exchange program, and mens shelter. Then it was off to the township of Logy Bay Middle Cove and Outer Cove for an historic flag raising event. This was perhaps the first time a small township has ever raised a rainbow flag in honour of Pride week. Then it was off to Middle Cove beach for a bonfire, which was very well attended, despite threats of rain.
Thursday started with the debut of a Pride self-defense class, which was delivered by one of the most recognized and credible martial arts teacher in the province. Then it was a quick turn over to get ready for a panel discussion on health care issues facing the LGBT community. This was recorded by Rogers television in its entirty for future airing. Excellent speeches were given by reps from Canadian Blood Services, Aids Committee of NL, Canadian Mental Health Association, Moncton Transgender Support Group, East Coast Trans Alliance, and Holy Trinity High School Gay/Straight Alliance.
The evening carried on over at Yuk Yuks for a night of comedy from nationally-respected gay comic Richard Ryder, and local comic and singers Mark Day (from Canadian Idol fame), and Doris Anita Douche (Drag Idol).
A movie night on Friday followed - where the Baby Formula was screened.
Saturday kicked off with a photo Scavanger Hunt, which included several enthusiastic teams. A picnic in the park followed, which was highlighted by Zumba dancers, presented by Pflag Canada.
Then it was time to get down to business to set up the featured event of the week, the Variety Show at the 1200 seat theatre, Arts and Culture Centre. The dress rehearsal went very well for all attendees. The show got underway at 7 pm and featured emceeing by yours truly, singing from Denielle Hann, plate spinning from Vannie Woodford, drag lip sync from Roxie Cotton, dancing from the Burly Q Babies, improv from the PwG, and a comedy set from headliner Elvira Kurt.
Sunday's rally, drag race, parade, and BBQ went off very well, as all event saw more attendees than ever before. Gemma Hickey, and Federal MP Ryan Cleary spoke, Terry Rielly sang a newly-penned pride song, and Roxie did a great job hosting the drag race, subbing in for Doris.
The parade had a record 343 people and 23 dogs, not including me, who rode in the police escort car. I had to scramble to get more food at the BBQ, as it was attended by 3 times as many people as expected.
In terms of sponsorship, there was a very high level of interest from local businesses, major unions, and national companies. While donations were small, this was at least a stepping stone to develop strong working relationships.
In the near future, steps will be taken to build upon the week with public consultation feedback sessions, as well as corporate development projects to attempt to bring more people into the fold.
Anyway, it was an exhausting week but a good week. I would like to publicly thank all volunteers who helped make this week a success: Brandon Jenkins, Sylvia Newhook, Sarah Thompson, Cara Brown, Nathan Barnes, Dan Coombs, Vannie Woodford, Natalie Bambury, Brock Ballard, Lou Power, Pam Sheaves, Josie, and Sarah Downey.
The phone was literally ringing off the hook in the weeks leading up to July 18-24, as many different entities wanted to get involved and become a part of the celebration. Public stakeholder consultation sessions were called and attracted more people than any other Pride meeting that i can ever remember in this city. Members of the media who were LGBT were not only anxious to cover the stories, but become a part of the organization, which made media engagement , both before and during Pride Week, much easier. Organizations such as Yuk Yuks Comedy, Provincial Department of Tourism Culture and Recreation, and Americal Apparel, were willing to bend over backward to be involved.
Our week started with a busy slate of events, including a noon hour flag raising, and an evening reception, at city hall. These events were very well attended, and featured more LGBT speakers than ever before. The decision to make the evening reception a 'dry' event, caused a little bit of controversy, but proved to be the right move, as there was no underaged drinking, nor public intoxication, of attendees. The event was also as well-attended as in previous years. This step also proved helpful in getting people out of City Hall on time and over to Chatters Cafe and The Grapevine, where further social events occured.
Tuesday featured another busy schedule. The day started with an afternoon Open House at the Aids Committee of Newfoundland and Labrador, an organization that provides a variety of services, including aids education and awareness, needle exchange program, and mens shelter. Then it was off to the township of Logy Bay Middle Cove and Outer Cove for an historic flag raising event. This was perhaps the first time a small township has ever raised a rainbow flag in honour of Pride week. Then it was off to Middle Cove beach for a bonfire, which was very well attended, despite threats of rain.
Thursday started with the debut of a Pride self-defense class, which was delivered by one of the most recognized and credible martial arts teacher in the province. Then it was a quick turn over to get ready for a panel discussion on health care issues facing the LGBT community. This was recorded by Rogers television in its entirty for future airing. Excellent speeches were given by reps from Canadian Blood Services, Aids Committee of NL, Canadian Mental Health Association, Moncton Transgender Support Group, East Coast Trans Alliance, and Holy Trinity High School Gay/Straight Alliance.
The evening carried on over at Yuk Yuks for a night of comedy from nationally-respected gay comic Richard Ryder, and local comic and singers Mark Day (from Canadian Idol fame), and Doris Anita Douche (Drag Idol).
A movie night on Friday followed - where the Baby Formula was screened.
Saturday kicked off with a photo Scavanger Hunt, which included several enthusiastic teams. A picnic in the park followed, which was highlighted by Zumba dancers, presented by Pflag Canada.
Then it was time to get down to business to set up the featured event of the week, the Variety Show at the 1200 seat theatre, Arts and Culture Centre. The dress rehearsal went very well for all attendees. The show got underway at 7 pm and featured emceeing by yours truly, singing from Denielle Hann, plate spinning from Vannie Woodford, drag lip sync from Roxie Cotton, dancing from the Burly Q Babies, improv from the PwG, and a comedy set from headliner Elvira Kurt.
Sunday's rally, drag race, parade, and BBQ went off very well, as all event saw more attendees than ever before. Gemma Hickey, and Federal MP Ryan Cleary spoke, Terry Rielly sang a newly-penned pride song, and Roxie did a great job hosting the drag race, subbing in for Doris.
The parade had a record 343 people and 23 dogs, not including me, who rode in the police escort car. I had to scramble to get more food at the BBQ, as it was attended by 3 times as many people as expected.
In terms of sponsorship, there was a very high level of interest from local businesses, major unions, and national companies. While donations were small, this was at least a stepping stone to develop strong working relationships.
In the near future, steps will be taken to build upon the week with public consultation feedback sessions, as well as corporate development projects to attempt to bring more people into the fold.
Anyway, it was an exhausting week but a good week. I would like to publicly thank all volunteers who helped make this week a success: Brandon Jenkins, Sylvia Newhook, Sarah Thompson, Cara Brown, Nathan Barnes, Dan Coombs, Vannie Woodford, Natalie Bambury, Brock Ballard, Lou Power, Pam Sheaves, Josie, and Sarah Downey.
2 - Jennifer speaks at Rally with Terry Rielly and Roxie Cotton looking on
3 - Elvira Kurt, Jennifer McCreath, and Vanessa Woodford pose for a pic at the meet n greet souvineer and autograph table at the Variety Show.
4 - pride parade in progress
5 - Jennifer poses with pro comics Richard Ryder, Mark Day, and Evany Rosen at Yuk Yuks.
6 - Pride Inc Board of Director Sylvia Newhook addresses a crowd at City hall as part of Pride Week's Opening Reception.
1 - photo omitted, in case you are wondering.... lol
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
July 26, 2011 - tons of pride
oh my, it's been a while since i last wrote. it was an incredibly busy pride week but all the effort was worth it. this city and province saw so many amazing firsts for the lgbt community - including a flag raising in a small town, a letter of support from the Premier, performances from professional entertainers who had been flown in from the mainland, partnerships with major businesses, donations from mainstream unions, a televised panel discussion on lgbt health issues, and a variety show at our city's 2nd largest concert venue - the Arts and Culture Centre.
In the days ahead, i will attempt to document as much of my Pride memories as possible. Meanwhile, you can see tons of pics if you find me on facebook.
Jenn
In the days ahead, i will attempt to document as much of my Pride memories as possible. Meanwhile, you can see tons of pics if you find me on facebook.
Jenn
Monday, July 18, 2011
July 18, 2011 - East Coast Trans Alliance Inc. (Incorporated).
Well, the name has been booked, and the work begins! Transpeople from Newfoundland & Labrador, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Prince Edward Island have agreed in principle to found this brand new organization. ECTA will undertake a complex mandate of offering peer support to fellow transfolk, and engaging government policy makers and other stakeholders to educate and advocate and activate change for the better for issues facing transpeople - such as human rights, health care, housing, employment, violence, and lack of societal acceptance. ECTA will be a registered non-profit corporation. More information and an official website eastcoasttransalliance.org will follow soon. But for now, you may direct comments and questions to me, Jennifer McCreath: jennifer.mccreath@yahoo.com
I am also excited to announce that founder and chair of the Moncton Transgender Support Group, Josie, will not only be a part of this, but we will be lecturing together as a team as part of St. John's Pride Inc.'s panel Discussion on LGBTQ Health Care Issues. The event is Thursday July 21 at 5-7 pm in the basement theatre of the Arts and Culture Centre. FREE ADMISSION! for more info: stjohnspride.org
I am also excited to announce that founder and chair of the Moncton Transgender Support Group, Josie, will not only be a part of this, but we will be lecturing together as a team as part of St. John's Pride Inc.'s panel Discussion on LGBTQ Health Care Issues. The event is Thursday July 21 at 5-7 pm in the basement theatre of the Arts and Culture Centre. FREE ADMISSION! for more info: stjohnspride.org
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